In my book Why Waiting Works I extol the many benefits of waiting to have sex until marriage. My main reason for writing this book is to bring some clarity to a subject that I myself didn’t understand in the least when I started out on this journey. Many of the benefits that I write about in greater detail within this book, you can find on a video that I made a while back called 10 Reasons Not To Have Sex Before Marriage. Today I would like to talk to you about a practical truth, and that is this, if it costs us something we appreciate it more.
We used to have a saying when I promoted nightclubs that went like this: “The more they pay, the longer they stay”. This referred to the idea that the higher the cover charge is to get into a club, the longer people would stay there (even if the place wasn’t crowded). Typically we would charge $10, and that was enough of a commitment for people that they wouldn’t leave and go club-hopping to other bars. During events like the New Year’s Eve party that I throw every year, the tickets are $170 each… and no one leaves. Of course, it’s all-inclusive and it really is the best party in town, but the principle still stands true. I think there’s a lot that we can learn in this concept when it comes to sex and dating.
At this point in my life, except two slip-ups a few years ago, I’ve been abstinent for just about 12 years. Ugh! I know right? Anyway, if I was to meet my Mrs. Right tomorrow and fall madly in love with her, the minimum amount of time I'd imagine we would date before getting married would probably be let's say a year. That means by the time my wedding night rolls around and I consummate that marriage I will have 13 years of abstinence invested in that relationship. Now suppose we get into an argument, and it’s a real doozy; how quickly do you think that I would walk away from that relationship knowing full well that I may have to wait another 7 years before meeting the next Mrs. Right and having a physical relationship with her? Whatever happens in that relationship, we will work that shit out! Now contrast this with the national average for a couple in the United States, who go on just three dates before they have sex. If things go south, how much easier would it be for them to throw in the towel and find somebody else to start the whole cycle over again with? Right.
The argument that I hear the most for engaging in sex early in a relationship is that you have to test out your sexual compatibility. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “You wouldn’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive”. And yes you’re right, I wouldn’t buy it without taking it for a test drive, but people aren’t cars. Comparing a living breathing human being to an inanimate object is stupid in the first place, but since people do it all the time let’s go with it. When a woman is a virgin she has a natural seal, it’s called a hymen. What people who use this argument are essentially saying is that they want to crack the seal and give it a try. Then if they don’t like it, they can put them back on the rack. What if we did this with products in the grocery store? Would it raise or lower their value? Do you want to buy something that everyone else has sampled? You can see the stupidity in this argument, and how it breaks down if you just take a moment to play the tape through. It don’t work! And based off the divorce rates in this country it isn’t working for many of the people that go this route.
Ladies… you want someone to buy that; and if you are giving it away you are essentially lowering the value. There isn’t one thing in all the world that you can give away and raise its value, so why do we think that it’s any different with our bodies? Everyone’s heard the old saying “Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free?” Let’s be honest, we all know who the cow is in this scenario. It might be an old saying but it still applies.
Plus if testing out your sexual compatibility theory were true, the people who do not test it out before commitment would have shorter more unfulfilling relationships right? The only problem with this is that none of the research in the numerous studies that have been done on the subject can back up this claim. The truth is that people with good sexual compatibility early on do not stay together longer. In fact, they break up earlier and are less fulfilled sexually in their relationships!
To all the ladies out there, DO NOT let a man in without paying the price of a real commitment (marriage) and run the risk of having him waste your most eligible years. There’s a good chance that most of the women reading this post are the most attractive that you will ever be for the rest of your life right now. Ladies, if you want to get married and/or have babies, you should be using that to your full advantage. It blows my mind when I see girls dating and giving out the goodies for years, hoping for a proposal that never comes. Sometimes it works out, but too often they get traded in for someone else… sometimes even for a newer model. Ouch!
The reason that abstaining from sex until a man proves his love for you with action by marrying you, makes sense for a woman is because men aren’t as worried about the commitment aspect of relationships for one big reason, time. Men don’t have a biological clock ticking. We can father children a lot later in life than women can bear children. It’s not uncommon to see older men who are easily able to get younger women. How often has the “Sexiest Man Alive” been a male actor that’s well past mid-life? It all goes back to women wanting security and men wanting sex, which I talk about in The Sex Trap.
I know some women who are sleeping with men who won’t make the relationship official and others who are dating and sleeping with their boyfriends who won’t propose. Then they complain about men’s “commitment problems”. Let me set the record straight here, men don’t have issues with commitment. Men commit all the time to the things that they want badly enough. One of the biggest problems is that women aren’t making men commit. The real truth is that he either doesn’t like you enough to commit, or you are giving him all the luxuries of commitment (ie: sex) with none of the requirements. It’s your responsibility to make him want to commit by not getting physical with him until he’s ready to put up or shut up. When I promoted nightclubs the cover charge wasn’t negotiable. You paid or you didn’t get in. That was it. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. So please don’t let men in so easily and then wonder why they won’t stay.
This is for the guys and girls, if you’re reading this and already getting physical with your partner thinking "Well it's too late, this doesn't apply to me", yes it does there’s still hope! If you want to audit the relationship to see if you are going anywhere (if the love is real), the best thing to do is to have a conversation with your partner and intentionally cut off the sex. It provides ultimate clarity by putting the relationship under a microscope so you can decide on whether to start progressing toward marriage or cut your losses. I know this isn't an easy thing to do, but I'm telling you from experience it can be done and it works.
For more practical tips on dating, relationships, and how to find true love & long term happiness, pick up a copy of my book, Why Waiting Works and The Truth About Sex Study Guide (great for small groups). And join the Waiting Works Community on Facebook to get online support from others on this journey.
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