The Church Lied to You About Adultery
- Rob Kowalski
- Aug 4
- 4 min read
One of the most common objections I hear whenever I teach on biblical polygyny goes something like this:
“Oh, so if men can have multiple wives, I guess women can have multiple husbands too?”
It’s usually delivered with a smirk, as if the question is a knockout blow.
But the fact that people ask this question reveals something much deeper.
It shows that most Christians have never been taught the biblical definition of adultery.
And that misunderstanding sits at the center of the confusion surrounding marriage in the modern church.
The Definition Changes Everything
If you define adultery incorrectly, everything built on top of that definition will also be wrong.
Modern culture defines adultery as a married person having sexual relations with someone other than their spouse.
Simple. Symmetrical. Gender-neutral.
That sounds fair.
The problem is that the Bible does not define adultery that way.
How Scripture Defines Adultery
Throughout the Bible, adultery is consistently tied to the marital status of the woman.
If a married woman has sexual relations with a man who is not her husband, that is adultery.
This pattern appears repeatedly in passages such as:
Leviticus 20:10
Deuteronomy 22:22
Leviticus 18:20
Proverbs 5–7
Jeremiah 3
Ezekiel 18
Romans 7:1–3
1 Corinthians 7:39
In every case, the woman involved is married or betrothed.
That is the consistent biblical pattern.
What You Never Find in Scripture
What you do not find is a verse calling it adultery when an unmarried woman enters into a relationship with a married man.
That scenario is never labeled adultery.
Not once.
Instead, when a man has sexual relations with an unbetrothed woman, he is often required to marry her (Exodus 22:16; Deuteronomy 22:28–29).
The biblical solution is marriage, not condemnation for adultery.
Why Biblical Polygyny Is Not Adultery
This is why the Bible never condemns men such as:
Abraham
Jacob
David
for adultery simply because they had multiple wives.
A man taking another wife was understood as marriage, not infidelity.
You may not like that conclusion.
But if you want to be faithful to Scripture, you have to deal with the text as it is, not as modern tradition presents it.
How the Church Changed the Definition
At some point, the church adopted a cultural understanding of adultery and treated it as if it were biblical.
That new definition was symmetrical.
If either spouse had relations with someone else, it was labeled adultery.
While that may sound intuitive, it is not how Scripture uses the term.
And once the definition changed, Christians began reading the Bible through that new lens.
The result was widespread confusion about marriage, fidelity, and God’s design for men and women.
Why the Rules Are Not Symmetrical
Many people assume that if men and women are equal in value, their roles must be identical.
But equal value does not mean identical design.
Scripture presents men and women as equally valuable before God, while assigning them distinct roles within the family.
That is why the biblical rules surrounding marriage are not symmetrical.
The standard is based on God’s design, not modern assumptions about fairness.
Why This Matters Today
When we replace God’s definitions with cultural ones, we create confusion.
We end up with:
Skyrocketing divorce rates
Delayed marriage
Men hesitant to commit
Women frustrated by unmet expectations
Families under constant strain
Understanding what adultery actually means is not a minor theological issue.
It is foundational.
A Word to Women
If this teaching feels shocking, I understand.
Many sincere Christian women were taught that biblical faithfulness required a man to love one woman and one woman only.
If that is what you were taught, this confusion is not your fault.
But our feelings do not redefine Scripture.
God’s definitions remain the same, whether they align with modern culture or not.
The Bottom Line
The Bible defines adultery based on the marital status of the woman.
That means:
A married woman with another man commits adultery.
A man taking another wife does not.
That is why biblical polygyny is not adultery.
Once you understand that, the conversation changes completely.
Watch the Full Video
In this episode, I break down the biblical definition of adultery and explain why the church’s misunderstanding has caused massive confusion about marriage.
Watch the full video here:
Ready to Go Deeper?
If you want to learn how to build a biblical marriage and understand the practical side of these teachings, check out Man of Options, my community for Christian men pursuing God’s design for marriage and family.
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If this article challenged what you’ve been taught about adultery, it’s only the beginning. In my new book, MAN OF OPTIONS: Escaping The Monogamy-Only Lie, I examine what Scripture actually teaches about adultery, marriage, polygyny, and the traditions the modern Church has mistaken for biblical truth. Order your copy at PolygamyBook.com.
If you’re a woman wrestling with what Scripture actually teaches about adultery, marriage, and covenant, my wife Sanne leads Faithful Femininity, a free Telegram community where women can examine these truths from a place of faith rather than fear. Apply to join Faithful Femininity (100% Free) today.
The biblical definition of adultery is clear. The question is whether we’re willing to let Scripture define it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Tanak is Hebraic only. There is no other culture or language that can change or dictate the Holy Scriptures in another way as it pleases or wills. Thank you.